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XOXO, Apnea
What happened nine days ago feels like it happened three months ago. I walked into the bathroom today and I thought it was December. I have bouts of temporary amnesia that help me stay present and I have moments where I see so many little signs that tell me I'm approaching the end of a road I've been walking down for a long time. The 20 hour drive from Baltimore to Iowa was littered with street signs of little towns that were named after all of the places I've been this summer. The feeling I've had for as long as I can remember of something really big happening is getting stronger everyday. It's not work related. I feel like something in my brain is about to shift.I really hope it's not death...that would blow.
When I feel anger it feels fake. When I feel happiness it's overwhelming. When I feel defeat it hurts in a different way. The feeling of defeat used to motivate me but now it just makes me look inside myself and realize it's for the wrong reasons. I feel blessed for the hard times I've seen in my life because it's pushed me to never be content living in mediocrity. I'll always push myself to live my life to the fullest and I won't let myself die wondering 'what if'. It still hurts when I'm attacked but not nearly as much. It's easy to turn the other cheek and like Lee Scratch Perry says, I love everyone, even my enemies, because I have to.
September 21st was the last full day in Savannah. I spent most of it doing nothing. If I was doing nothing I was packing. Chase asked me the day before if I was sad about leaving Savannah, and I told him no but I was definitely upset this day. Leaving a stable environment after being on the run for two months really bummed me out for part of the day. But then I watched Night of the Hunter and thought about how awesome October will be. I fall asleep in a good mood.
September 22nd was a train wreck. The first part of the day is a blur of shoving our suitcases into his car and erratically cleaning up the house and getting ready to leave. I promised Steen I would get her fried chicken from Paula Deen's restaurant and take it with me to LA. At 2:30pm I found out they close at 3pm so I ran the two miles from the house to the restaurant to go get it. We ended up leaving so late that Chase was going to have to drive me straight to the Baltimore airport to catch my red eye to Burbank.
September 23. 1:00am. We pull over in Kenly, North Carolina to go to a Waffle House. I'm convinced Waffle House has franchises in Hell. I hate that place. I finish my coffee and we get back in the car and on the road...for 90 seconds. Before we get back on the freeway Chase says, "There's something wrong with my car." I look over at him. I tell him it's pulling to the right because he doesn't have his hands on the wheel.
"No, seriously, there's something wrong with the car."
We pull over and I get out. The tire is flat. No big deal, we'll just pull into the truck stop on the other side of the highway and get the spare on as fast as we can.
Wrong. The bolts are too long to fit on the spare. The tow truck driver finally shows up at 4am and doesn't have bolts that fit either so we're towed to the nearest motel. I throw the fried chicken away and text Steen to let her know I'm not coming to LA. I feel defeated but relieved that I don't have to go. Honestly, I was really scared of being on TV. I email the producer of the show and let them know I'm stranded in North Carolina and won't be able to make it.
Noon. We hear a knock on the door and they tell us checkout time was two hours ago.
While we're waiting to be towed to the nearest shop I'm on the phone with the people from Playboy TV and they're working on getting a flight out on the 24th. I'm scared again but happy that I'll get to go out there and see Steen and get lots of work done.
*Chase waiting for the car to be fixed at the "shop"...a trailer with a metal shed behind it on a residential street*
Let's switch into the condensed version of the rest of the day -
-Car gets fixed.
-Flight gets booked.
-CB Radio is purchased at Love's, truck drivers up 95N are tormented by us.
-Driving, driving, done.
September 24th I fly into Burbank and go immediately to a shoot at Perry Gallagher's house with Steen. Seeing Perry and Michael reminded me of the last time I saw them a year ago and I started to panic inside. I started thinking about how much has changed and I was overwhelmed with a feeling that I shouldn't be there, I shouldn't be in my past, I love these people but what am I doing here...Steen starts to shoot me and I'm doing horrible. I can't stop panicking inside. I think they all know but nobody says anything.
*Michael Helms shoots me posing for Steen*
*Kayla Jane Danger and me, post Klonopin*
I eventually got over the feeling once my medicine kicked in. After dinner Steen and I went back to her house and I fell asleep immediately.
Thursday, September 25th. Playboy TV picks me up and we film all day. The day starts with a shoot with Perry Gallagher, followed by an interview with me, then a shoot with Octavio/Winkitiki, then two shoots with Steen, a video, and finally a shoot with the host of the show.
This was the first time I shot with Octavio. I won't lie...he scared me at first. I thought he was a nut. But I ended up having a lot of fun shooting with him. We were both rolling around on the floor and he wasn't even looking through his camera half of the time but the photos still turned out really awesome.
*It's all about the behind-the-scenes shots*
*Last six shots by Octavio*
*Steen catches me texting Chase*
September 26th. Monique picks me up at noon. She finds me on the curb outside of Steen's house laying on my suitcase. She takes me back to her studio and we shoot for a few hours. The pictures I saw through the viewfinder made me squeal. I've never shot anything like it.
We wrap up at 5pm and she takes me back to Steen's house. Steen and I work up until the last minute and she drives me to the airport. I didn't have time to take a shower so I'm still in full hair and makeup when I get on the plane, I'm delirious, worn out, I smell like I wore latex and didn't have time to shower. I feel the way this paragraph is written. Lots of short sentences. It makes the paragraph really hard to read when the sentences are all the same length. That was me at the airport at 10:00 pm.
September 27th at 6:30am I arrive in Baltimore. I've lost it. I'm jet lagged, I've had three hours of sleep because I couldn't sleep on the plane, all I could do is talk about the second coming of Christ to the poor bastard sitting next to me in the non-reclining exit row of the plane for the first two hours of the flight and then I slid down and got some really shitty sleep for the last three hours. I call Chase and tell him I made it but he's still asleep. He had his own equally rough time in Baltimore while I was in LA. We were separated by land but brought together by misery.
While I'm waiting for him to pick me up I start reading my planner. I've written a task list everyday since January 1st and I look at everything I've done. This puts me in the worst state of mind. I should have never read my planner. My sentences are all becoming the same length again...you can tell when that happens that I'm writing about something that makes me uneasy to think about.
He picks me up at 9am and we go to his friend's wedding. I don't know how I'm holding it together. In fact, I don't think I am holding it together. Luckily none of them knew me so they all assumed that was my natural state and didn't suspect anything.
Poor Chase. After we leave the wedding I can't stop crying. I can't stop crying and nothing I'm saying makes sense. I wish it was the 50's so he could have slapped me around and snapped me out of it, but it's not, it's 2008 and the only thing he can do is try to stay out of my way until the Xanax kicks in. Chase's mom is doing her best to make me feel better, and she definitely does, but I'm still out of sorts until I pass out.
The next day, yesterday, we leave at 10:30am to go to the farm in Iowa. The first couple of hours are so awkward after the way I acted the day before. After that though it was back to laughing and being in good spirits. I desperately needed a good night of sleep and sitting in the same place doing nothing for hours to get back to normal. Chase drove 20 hours straight. I offered to drive but he's scared of me driving...probably for good reason.
We made it, and for the next month I'll be living in a metal bubble on 20 acres of land, eating apples off of the apple tree and running around with the chickens and dogs when I'm not in the White Arc working on my computer.
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I'm in Los Angeles today. Playboy TV is filming me while I write this journal entry. They're forcing me to do this, beyond my will, please send help.
I have a new friend. I'll let her type a little.... not too much... just a little.
Hi everyone! This is Kate! Apnea is the new love in my life and I'm super excited to do the shoot that is coming up next with her!
You hear that?!!!! She LOVES ME!!! OUT.
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