THIS BLOG, ApneasBlog.com, IS INTENTED SOLELY FOR ADULTS! IF YOU ARE UNDER 18 (21 IN SOME STATES) OR ARE NOT ALLOWED TO VIEW NAKED PICTURES, EROTICA, FETISH NAUGHTINESS, ETC., THEN GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!
And, if you like what you see here and you want to access all of my uncensored photos and videos, head on over to Apneatic.com!
XOXO, Apnea
In six weeks we went from Iowa to Baltimore, Brooklyn, Boston, Manchester, Philadelphia, whatever city in West Virginia Cooter lives in, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio, Austin, Little Rock, little towns here and there and back up to the farm.
I also shot for and am now on another magazine cover with Steve Prue >>
I had a birthday :) I turned 24 and it seemed like everywhere I went I was given some kind of ice cream cake or something else as equally super awesome. I spent my birthday at a beach house. I've been spending a lot of time outside lately. I spent so much time inside for the last ten years of my life and now I can finally make up for it.
My Twitter has been way easier to update because I only have 140 characters to do it and I can do it from my phone.
The backspace key is my favorite key to use when I update this. My bubble gum pink bubbly graphic bubble blog. All I can be is the way people have been treating me, like I'm a bubble headed girl who will amount to no more than nude modeling and writing crap blogs about nothing. The only time I can write is when nobody can see it or the people I give it to won't read it. Or the rare occasion I write something in a journal I don't want anyone to see and it will be found and I'll feel violated again.
For every new friend I make one of my old friends seems to stab me in the back, and for every photo someone takes of me that I love one that I hate is taken. The balance will always be restored and I have to keep reminding myself that the people I meet who don't encounter the demons I do also rarely see some of the miracles I see. Except for right now, what I see isn't magic. My eyes are playing horrible tricks on me and my hair keeps brushing up against my skin just enough to make me think there's a bug crawling on me.
Constantine Cavafy - The City
You said, "I will go to another land, I will go to another sea.
Another city shall be found better than this.
Each one of my endeavors is condemned by fate;
my heart lies buried like a corpse.
How long in this disintegration can the mind remain.
Wherever I turn my eyes, wherever I gaze,
I see here only the black ruins of my life
where I have spent so many years, and ruined and wrecked myself."
New places you shall never find, you'll not find other seas.
The city still shall follow you. You'll wander still
in the same streets, you'll roam in the same neighborhoods,
in these same houses you'll turn gray.
You'll always arrive at this same city. Don't hope for somewhere
else;
no ship for you exists, no road exists.
Just as you've ruined your life here, in this
small corner of earth, you've wrecked it now the whole world
through.
My friend carries that around in his bag. When he gave it to me to read I almost started crying because it's one of my biggest fears.
Chase assures me though this isn't our fate, and so he holds my hand and helps me keep moving. And so we go forward, and I have no idea where we're going to end up but at least I have him. I hope I can be there for him the way he's been there for me.
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"Make sure you get the Olive Garden sign in the background"
Meet some of my favorite people. Dan is the tall one with the glasses. He also goes by US Romance and he takes pictures of me sometimes for my site and sometimes for Supercult. If you go back through my journal you'll find some photos he took of me in his room.
The other guy is Internet Micah. He became my Fbff then my Tbff. The first time I ever talked to him on the phone we talked about the bible and Chase thought we would get along really well.
The girl with red hair is Caitlin. I started texting her at the beginning of this year until the texts went out of control and we finally met. I love her chest.
The lady in the gray dress with curly hair is Dana. She's my newest friend and we ended up spending most of the day together and I'm getting really close to her. She's going to be spending the next three weeks with Chase and me on our trip around America.
And last but definitely not least is Karen! She's the tall girl in the really cute vintage dress. I think she's beautiful and sweet and if I was a boy I would try to date Karen. I like Karen a lot. :)
I love all of them very much, especially for hanging out with me even when I have a disgusting gross freak laser arm.
I have three more little parties for my 24th birthday all at varying times and locations.
I love presents too :) You can buy me one if the mood strikes you. :)
xoxo
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I only fell out of one world and fell into another where I'm much more content, and I did it by choice, not because I had no other options left.
And you wouldn't shoot either if you had an entire three quarter sleeve and armpit tattoo being lasered off.
I'm starting to learn that people don't even look at what's scribbled on me. People just see a lot of black stuff on my arm and say,
"Nice ink!"
"I'm getting it lasered off."
"Why?"
"Are you serious? Look at it."
...."Oh. Is that why it looks like that?"
"Yes."
I've learned that "Nice ink/tatz/whatever" is the equivalent of someone saying, "I acknowledge you have tattoos."
That's not the point.
The point is I can't keep hiding anymore as much as I want to hide. And it's taking a lot of restraint to call out some of the people I'd love to call out for giving me shit about disappearing.
I had two choices to make. I could continue to put out half-ass work as frequently as I was doing right after I broke up with Philip Warner or I could wait as long as possible and then come out with better and higher quality work.
But I have a site, and I've been scared to even look at it, but I can't keep avoiding it and I'm on a cross-country trip now collecting content. When I get home I'll have 15 updates ready for the next few months and I can sit around waiting some more.
I fucked up so bad last year when I did this to myself. I've turned down so many jobs it makes my stomach sick to think about it. So I don't think about it...
But slamming vodka and eating pills and fucking up really bad one day last year with one of my really good friends at the time and asking him to tattoo this shit on my arm doesn't mean I'm bad at business, it means I'm compulsive and I do really stupid stuff but I'm fixing it now.
I have my last laser appointment on the 13th and then in a year it's getting fixed.
Then everyone saying mean things about me disappearing can go fuck themselves <3 I'm sure you'll still be doing the same thing you're doing now, because it's the same thing you were doing last year and the same thing you'll be doing in a year.
xoxo
apnea
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