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XOXO, Apnea
In six weeks we went from Iowa to Baltimore, Brooklyn, Boston, Manchester, Philadelphia, whatever city in West Virginia Cooter lives in, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio, Austin, Little Rock, little towns here and there and back up to the farm.
I also shot for and am now on another magazine cover with Steve Prue >>
I had a birthday :) I turned 24 and it seemed like everywhere I went I was given some kind of ice cream cake or something else as equally super awesome. I spent my birthday at a beach house. I've been spending a lot of time outside lately. I spent so much time inside for the last ten years of my life and now I can finally make up for it.
My Twitter has been way easier to update because I only have 140 characters to do it and I can do it from my phone.
The backspace key is my favorite key to use when I update this. My bubble gum pink bubbly graphic bubble blog. All I can be is the way people have been treating me, like I'm a bubble headed girl who will amount to no more than nude modeling and writing crap blogs about nothing. The only time I can write is when nobody can see it or the people I give it to won't read it. Or the rare occasion I write something in a journal I don't want anyone to see and it will be found and I'll feel violated again.
For every new friend I make one of my old friends seems to stab me in the back, and for every photo someone takes of me that I love one that I hate is taken. The balance will always be restored and I have to keep reminding myself that the people I meet who don't encounter the demons I do also rarely see some of the miracles I see. Except for right now, what I see isn't magic. My eyes are playing horrible tricks on me and my hair keeps brushing up against my skin just enough to make me think there's a bug crawling on me.
Constantine Cavafy - The City
You said, "I will go to another land, I will go to another sea.
Another city shall be found better than this.
Each one of my endeavors is condemned by fate;
my heart lies buried like a corpse.
How long in this disintegration can the mind remain.
Wherever I turn my eyes, wherever I gaze,
I see here only the black ruins of my life
where I have spent so many years, and ruined and wrecked myself."
New places you shall never find, you'll not find other seas.
The city still shall follow you. You'll wander still
in the same streets, you'll roam in the same neighborhoods,
in these same houses you'll turn gray.
You'll always arrive at this same city. Don't hope for somewhere
else;
no ship for you exists, no road exists.
Just as you've ruined your life here, in this
small corner of earth, you've wrecked it now the whole world
through.
My friend carries that around in his bag. When he gave it to me to read I almost started crying because it's one of my biggest fears.
Chase assures me though this isn't our fate, and so he holds my hand and helps me keep moving. And so we go forward, and I have no idea where we're going to end up but at least I have him. I hope I can be there for him the way he's been there for me.
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