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XOXO, Apnea
I only fell out of one world and fell into another where I'm much more content, and I did it by choice, not because I had no other options left.
And you wouldn't shoot either if you had an entire three quarter sleeve and armpit tattoo being lasered off.
I'm starting to learn that people don't even look at what's scribbled on me. People just see a lot of black stuff on my arm and say,
"Nice ink!"
"I'm getting it lasered off."
"Why?"
"Are you serious? Look at it."
...."Oh. Is that why it looks like that?"
"Yes."
I've learned that "Nice ink/tatz/whatever" is the equivalent of someone saying, "I acknowledge you have tattoos."
That's not the point.
The point is I can't keep hiding anymore as much as I want to hide. And it's taking a lot of restraint to call out some of the people I'd love to call out for giving me shit about disappearing.
I had two choices to make. I could continue to put out half-ass work as frequently as I was doing right after I broke up with Philip Warner or I could wait as long as possible and then come out with better and higher quality work.
But I have a site, and I've been scared to even look at it, but I can't keep avoiding it and I'm on a cross-country trip now collecting content. When I get home I'll have 15 updates ready for the next few months and I can sit around waiting some more.
I fucked up so bad last year when I did this to myself. I've turned down so many jobs it makes my stomach sick to think about it. So I don't think about it...
But slamming vodka and eating pills and fucking up really bad one day last year with one of my really good friends at the time and asking him to tattoo this shit on my arm doesn't mean I'm bad at business, it means I'm compulsive and I do really stupid stuff but I'm fixing it now.
I have my last laser appointment on the 13th and then in a year it's getting fixed.
Then everyone saying mean things about me disappearing can go fuck themselves <3 I'm sure you'll still be doing the same thing you're doing now, because it's the same thing you were doing last year and the same thing you'll be doing in a year.
xoxo
apnea
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