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It's been almost a week since I updated? I thought I wrote an entry two days ago! Time has always been like that for me. An entire week will go by and it will feel like nothing, but then a year will pass and I'll think back and it will seem like it happened so long ago.
Chase has been sick and I've been doing my best to take care of him these last couple of days. It's strange going into town by myself now. When Chase is there it takes the heat off of me but now I'm the one being stared at like an alien, or a piece of meat to all of the "rape eyes" from some of these people.
My brain feels soft and I'm in a weird emotion between depression and complacency. It's like some kind of emotional equinox.
One thing I'm learning to get the hang of is feeling okay with nothing going on. It's okay to not know, just enjoy the time I'm waiting for the next thing to happen. It comes without warning anyways so there's nothing to look for. It's ok to sleep 11 hours a night and wake up to the normal everyday work I do. Maybe one day I'll drink tea instead of coffee. I'll be daring and put sugar on my cereal.
I'm connecting with my grandmother that I've never known. I was told she's schizophrenic but I think she's just brutally honest. I think I've finally lost both of my parents too. My sister told me my mom is preaching about God to her now and that's always the sign I've lost another relative. So that means I'm down to my sister and my grandmother, who until a week ago didn't know my middle name.
That's not what's depressing me though. And unlike what my future holds, I saw that coming last year.
And maybe one day
I'll learn how to take
a decent photo of myself.
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