Chase has been sick and I've been doing my best to take care of him these last couple of days. It's strange going into town by myself now. When Chase is there it takes the heat off of me but now I'm the one being stared at like an alien, or a piece of meat to all of the "rape eyes" from some of these people.
My brain feels soft and I'm in a weird emotion between depression and complacency. It's like some kind of emotional equinox.
One thing I'm learning to get the hang of is feeling okay with nothing going on. It's okay to not know, just enjoy the time I'm waiting for the next thing to happen. It comes without warning anyways so there's nothing to look for. It's ok to sleep 11 hours a night and wake up to the normal everyday work I do. Maybe one day I'll drink tea instead of coffee. I'll be daring and put sugar on my cereal.
I'm connecting with my grandmother that I've never known. I was told she's schizophrenic but I think she's just brutally honest. I think I've finally lost both of my parents too. My sister told me my mom is preaching about God to her now and that's always the sign I've lost another relative. So that means I'm down to my sister and my grandmother, who until a week ago didn't know my middle name.
That's not what's depressing me though. And unlike what my future holds, I saw that coming last year.
And maybe one day
I'll learn how to take
a decent photo of myself.
my mom is schizophrenic...and the things she tells me, makes me want to curl up in a ball. Maybe she is like you described of your grandmother..maybe she is right and there really are people following her everywhere she goes, crawling on her roof and hiding inside of her van..
Ooh, just found your blog (via Sexinart)! Pardon me for neglecting nonvisual content at the moment and simply admiring your tattoos in this comment. The witch on your thigh is Gil Elvgren-inspired, right? Love 'em.
Hey...I know the downslide of depression well, and the upswing. The thing is not to identify with either. They just ARE. Try meditation for 20 minutes in the morning, and 20 minutes at night - get to know yourself. Your 'One True Self' is inside, and once you connect the inner with the outter persona, you are on your way to feeling comfortable anywhere.
Tashi Deleks
Stephan
You'll always have me. We're like family.. I mean I like you better then my own actual sister.. so they say you can't pick family but you can. And you're the best little sister I know:). *hugs* It'll all work out hon, you'll see.
Say oops up side your head say oops up side your head say what
i've grown to love you like i actually know you. it's been a couple of years now, and i've virtually been there for you without you even knowing.
i love your mind.
i love the photos that YOU take of YOU.
i might not know you but i love who i think i know.
xo
I admire your candor, you are a brave little soul who, like the rest of us, is trying to find her way in a big, frequently dark, daunting world.
As such, let me share with you what I have found thus far. As we merrily skip, stroll, stumble and on occasion slip on life's cluttered highway, a lot of confusion, time and heartache can be avoided by remembering to remain true to yourself. Always take stock and simple pleasure from your successes, however small, and learn from your failings in equal measure as this composite guide will be your moral cumpus for the journey ahead and with the benefit of hind-sight should prove the most reliable of companions.
You're courageous, and I adore those pictures :)
wow i love the long curly hair look on you. also your eyes look so large and captivating. great job taking the photos. you look beautimous!
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