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XOXO, Apnea
One of my favorite songs by one of my favorite songwriters repeats over and over, "Your history acts as your gravity..." The reason that was one of my favorite songs not only because it's beautiful but because I felt like I agreed with what he was singing. I'm happy to say that I no longer feel that way. My past is not who I am, that's who I was. It is not my identity. There is no reason for me to ever think about it. All that matters is that I am present and enjoying everything beautiful around me at this moment.
I was staring at the stars last night and got lost in the idea of eternity and infinity. It was really peaceful and in a way helped me shift my perspective on some of the ideas I've been carrying for too long about life and what I value the most about it. I've assigned too much importance to useless crap and misguided ideas about the way the world works. I gotta stop doing that.
This morning I woke up from a terrible dream. I couldn't stop thinking about it for half an hour and then suddenly I realized that it hadn't actually happened, but even if it did happen I would feel the exact same way I felt at that moment. I was punishing myself with those terrible thoughts even though nothing had happened to me. Why have I been doing this to myself for all these years? And then when these terrible thoughts manifest into reality, I'm surprised? Have I been taking crazy pills? Answer : yes. Why did it take me so long to realize that thought is not who I am, just a tool that I use...I dunno. I'd like to stop using it so much but when I do use it to use it to my advantage.
Alright, I'm done being an emo fag.
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