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XOXO, Apnea
I've been on the road for 15 days now and around 2:30am last night was when I finally crashed, and totally bottomed out and my body released those chemicals into my brain that made me feel like I needed to go to sleep and never wake up or the rest of my life was going to feel like the last 15 days. It doesn't make any sense and in my right mind I know this isn't a true statement. I've done nine shoots, forgotten to eat too many nights, and every house and apartment in Maryland is freezing because of the electric bill problem they have here. One night when I didn't have any water I ripped open the Emergen-C packet and poured the powder right into my mouth because I couldn't get to any water. I've been so worried about getting sick because I haven't been eating right or sleeping well.
Last night I got my first full night's sleep. And now I've been dragging around all day drinking cold cups of coffee and dreading going into the "plant room" to re-pack our suitcases. The next three months are booked solid and I have an intense sense of urgency to get the projects finished that have been started and get them done as fast as possible, but at the same time I've set myself up to live the way I've been living the last 15 days for the next 45 days, with a few days between the trips to rest and sleep as much as I can.
Every time I do a shoot, I do my best and wonder if I'll get anything out of it. Just try my best and hope for the best. Pose around my rib, pose around the tattoo being removed, keep the new tattoo on my leg moisturized so it doesn't scab and look like a huge healing wound, keep the prescription creams for my skin on hand at all times for anything that wants to attempt to surface, live off of vitamin c powder and pizza when other people pay for it, spend every dollar I make on plane tickets for other people because of this manic insane idea I have in my head for a project that isn't even 100 percent mine, in fact it's Chase's movie but it's beginning to parallel my life so much that I can't stop myself from putting everything I have into it.
The thing is I really have a ton of photos I could post here but I'm on our laptop and I hate the way the mousepad on this thing works. So lazy.
I went to Catholic church on New Years morning out of curiosity. I hadn't been in a decade and it was a beautiful building. I understand the need for people to have those rituals and the comfort it brings to them but it's definitely not for me, nor was it ever, which is why I'm not a Catholic or anything close to it. I love how much their religion parallels witchcraft but they would never look at it that way. It was relaxing though. I probably won't be back for another decade.
When we first got here we stayed in the sketchiest motel room I've ever seen in my life. We were in Room 11, to get to it you go to the door marked 11/12 in the corner of the complex. Open it, walk in, see a couch and two more doors. One marked 11, one marked 12. The people in room 12 are still awake at 3am, most likely smoking meth out of lightbulbs. Key in lock, open and walk into room 11. No windows. A used bar of soap in the shower. It was the perfect setting for a part of another movie project we're working on, but it was definitely the kind of place you sleep fully clothed on top of the bedspread with the hood of your sweater up. Next time we're going to spring for the "Africa Room". It's $20 more a night and we get a shower curtain that has zebras on it and there's a stencil of a giraffe on the wall.
I took the train to DC the next day. I had a great shoot with Steve Prue, met some new people and got to see Amy from Vaunt Designs again. I've been getting closer to her and she's becoming a good friend of mine.
I feel closer to everyone I've known on this trip, for better or worse. I feel closer to Chase than ever and he really is my best friend. I saw sides of friends I didn't know existed and I'm sad those sides do exist. I lose a little more trust in people, but lucky enough there wasn't much left to lose. So I guess I didn't lose much there.
Christmas was nice. My secret santa gave me the perfect gift of Japanese candy and bible study books and I felt like he put so much thought into my gift that someone better deserved to get him than I did, but I got him and I'm very thankful.
That's a mouthful that I'll never re-read. I'm going to try this new thing where I don't delete my blogs.
Tons of photos to come and more stories, we're flying home tomorrow and I'll be back on my PC.
Love,
Amanda
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All packed up and ready to go to snowy Baltimore for Christmas. I hope everyone enjoys their holidays and their pocketbooks weren't hurt too bad. I'm relieved after Christmas is over because they'll stop selling Reese's Christmas trees soon, so I can go back to eating healthy again and not be tempted by Satan's snacks.
Check out the entire Christmas set on my site at Apneatic.com.
xoxo
Apnea
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new set on apneatic.com
When Steve emailed me this set I read the set name and laughed to myself. I'd been rubbing the rose quartz in my pocket and gazing at the obsidian pyramid on the desk earlier wondering how I was going
to make it through the rest of this month. It's also appropriate because I was scared when I was shooting those, it was my first time working with him and I couldn't figure out what was going on with my
hair or the feather thing in it so I just kept flipping it around every which way in between poses.
Sometimes when I wake up I'll turn over and catch a glare off the gold talismans we have nailed into the wall next to the bed. Then I come and sit at the desk and see Chase's lucky silver eagle sitting
beneath the fortune cookie messages we have taped up to the doorway. Superstition and paranoia make for a great collection of trinkets. Sometimes I'll get really obsessed with a particular one. Right now
it's the heart shaped rose quartz. I can't keep my hand off of it. I can't stop rubbing it against my lips when I'm reading or thinking about anything.
I always keep a planner and journal one me and update them obsessively. I use the spirals or composition notebooks that are blank just to get the thoughts out of my head, then I'll make sure to
rip out the pages once I'm finished with that thought. Those journals get down to a few pages really fast.
I'm so scared of the shoots I have coming up at the end of this month. I don't know why I get like this sometimes. I get scared that I forgot how to do it or something. At the beginning of this year I went
ahwile without shooting anything and I asked Dave Dawson if it I don't use it if I lose it, and he told me it was just like riding a bike. A few months later he left me a comment on a photo that said,
"Just like riding a bike." I love that guy to death. One of my shoots is with him and that's the only one I'm not worried about. If he can make me look decent when I'm sloppy drunk in a tunnel stumbling to
keep my balance and I'm only wearing Vans, then I'm in good hands. I'm sober now just in case you're reading my journal for the first time, I've been sober over the year for good reason.
This month will be the second time in the last six months that a cook came out of the kitchen of a restaurant to tell me he had a message for me. Each one in different cities. I can't stop thinking about
what the last one told me. I can't stop rubbing this piece of rose quartz either. My mind won't stop. I have four more packages to mail out. I booked jobs in one city, now I have to figure
out how I'm going to get there. Can't think about that, have to make it through the five I've booked already booked next week. God please give me the strength to stop my mind from racing so I can relax,
and while you're at it God, please give me the strength to rent a movie that doesn't suck so bad. The last few I've watched weren't so great. Thanks God. Love, Amanda.
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